Monday, June 13, 2011

Sunday Scribblings: What's Next

This prompt comes at a rather apropos time. Much like the hanged man, Luke and I are a bit stuck at what feels like a precipice.

I've abandoned this blog a bit in light of life throwing things in the way.

1. Luke, my husband has graduated with his Business degree and failed to find employment.

2. I have had to step up as Seneschal (president) of the local SCA group while our real president is Princess.

3. I've done my first play in years, Follies, with the VLT and costume designed for another play, Three Days of Rain, also at the VLT.

4. My best friend has moved to a town about an hour away to be closer to her boyfriend.

5. I have become an Arbonne consultant, and using their products, have been dieting since April. I've lost about 12 pounds.

6. I have also begun doing Bikram Yoga two times a week, I'd do it more if I could afford it.

7. Our room mate, who is awesome, has found a job in Montana, which means we need to find a new room mate.

8. I picked up a part time teaching job for this spring, and a full time (but low pay) camp coordinator position for the summer.

9. Luke's mom's cancer is back, with a vengeance. She fell and broke her hip this past weekend, and they are now talking about extension of life vs quality of life.

The resulting weight that I feel is summed up in the thought that wouldn't stop circling my brain at yoga this morning. "My children will likely never know one of their grandmothers."

I never knew one of my grandfathers, but grandfathers tend to be a little standoffish. They're working or reading or something else. It's grandmothers who play with the grandkids, or tell them stories, or make them lunch.

I have innumerable fond memories, especially from my paternal grandmother and grandfather about going to their house, and their playroom, and their play house, the weeping willow, the deck, the davenport, the huge windows and the antique tea set. I so easily can see my Mother in Law doing that with my children. They'd been talking about kicking out some of the renters in their basements to make guest rooms for family coming to visit. And now? I'm hoping she will be able to attend her daughter's wedding in August. I am fighting the urge to start trying to have a baby now hoping that perhaps she could meet one of her grandchildren. I am especially heart broken about this because both of our parents have been so good about not pushing the issue, not badgering us about kids, about letting us choose our own time to have children.

If my mother in law doesn't live to meet my children, I'm sure that my father-in-law and my parents will more then satisfy the grand parent needs, and my children will likely be blessed to have great-grandparents present in their lives, at least at first. But it is this thought that makes me the most sad, considering my mother in law's illness, and this thought which makes me afraid to wonder what is next.


  1. You certainly have a scramble in your life... way too much pressure. Husband still job searching, needing a new room mate and best friend support system moving away is not good timing to throw an infant into the mix.

    I understand your need. Been there myself many years ago. But if they are talking quantity versus quality of life she would not know your child anyway. An infant maybe, but not the personality that makes your child who she or he will be.

    You can just give her of yourself and her son.

    Good luck on the room mate hunt.


  2. Thanks for reading, I know having a kid for that reason is the WRONG reason, and we won't be doing it, it's just an idea I can't quite shake. :(

  3. stay blessed,
    stay hopeful.
    time heals. cheers.

  4. So much love to you and Luke right now. You are at a really scary time in your lives, a time where things are uncertain, where plans are up in the air. You are the kind of person who likes to know what is coming next, and you don't in this case.

    I never knew (at least, not really) some of my older relatives, but the stories that my parents and aunts and uncles tell me help me to feel as if I do. Remember the stories, keep them, and be ready to pass them on to your children. Even if the hero of the stories is gone, the stories will keep that person alive for your kids. *HUGS*

  5. Thanks for the encouragement, Jingle Poetry.

    You've hit the nail on the head, Amy, that is absolutely why this is the take I have on this. Hopefully before she is gone, I can do as Mauera suggested and have her make a voice recording about her and a few stories or advice for grandkids or something.

  6. hard to take the time to be 'creative' in the daily onslaught we call 'Life'. do whatever feeds your soul right now. blessings,

  7. Thanks for the advice Marsha!