Sunday Scribblings: What's Next

This prompt comes at a rather apropos time. Much like the hanged man, Luke and I are a bit stuck at what feels like a precipice.

I've abandoned this blog a bit in light of life throwing things in the way.

1. Luke, my husband has graduated with his Business degree and failed to find employment.

2. I have had to step up as Seneschal (president) of the local SCA group while our real president is Princess.

3. I've done my first play in years, Follies, with the VLT and costume designed for another play, Three Days of Rain, also at the VLT.

4. My best friend has moved to a town about an hour away to be closer to her boyfriend.

5. I have become an Arbonne consultant, and using their products, have been dieting since April. I've lost about 12 pounds.

6. I have also begun doing Bikram Yoga two times a week, I'd do it more if I could afford it.

7. Our room mate, who is awesome, has found a job in Montana, which means we need to find a new room mate.

8. I picked up a part time teaching job for this spring, and a full time (but low pay) camp coordinator position for the summer.

9. Luke's mom's cancer is back, with a vengeance. She fell and broke her hip this past weekend, and they are now talking about extension of life vs quality of life.

The resulting weight that I feel is summed up in the thought that wouldn't stop circling my brain at yoga this morning. "My children will likely never know one of their grandmothers."

I never knew one of my grandfathers, but grandfathers tend to be a little standoffish. They're working or reading or something else. It's grandmothers who play with the grandkids, or tell them stories, or make them lunch.

I have innumerable fond memories, especially from my paternal grandmother and grandfather about going to their house, and their playroom, and their play house, the weeping willow, the deck, the davenport, the huge windows and the antique tea set. I so easily can see my Mother in Law doing that with my children. They'd been talking about kicking out some of the renters in their basements to make guest rooms for family coming to visit. And now? I'm hoping she will be able to attend her daughter's wedding in August. I am fighting the urge to start trying to have a baby now hoping that perhaps she could meet one of her grandchildren. I am especially heart broken about this because both of our parents have been so good about not pushing the issue, not badgering us about kids, about letting us choose our own time to have children.

If my mother in law doesn't live to meet my children, I'm sure that my father-in-law and my parents will more then satisfy the grand parent needs, and my children will likely be blessed to have great-grandparents present in their lives, at least at first. But it is this thought that makes me the most sad, considering my mother in law's illness, and this thought which makes me afraid to wonder what is next.